"well, I call it twatting!"

The title was one of the few funny lines from "Couples Retreat" - see my review here.

The other day a friend stated:

"You may not admit it, but you can view someones life every week on facebook and hardly ever converse with them, and it is kind of nice."

I find this is the sad downside of our blossoming and ever-changing technological boom. We are constantly connected to the web - no matter where we are - through blackberries and cell phones; and, we don't even have to contact each other to be updated on our lives anymore. Where she finds it comforting to stay in touch without any actual contact, I find it lonely and disconnected.

When I'm not aware that someone had a child, is sick, lost a parent, or has changed jobs/girlfriends/locations ... I have often heard the aggravating retort: "didn't you see my status update?" Or, "didn't you read my blog?" I've had the same cell phone number for almost 10 years. My parents have had the same phone number since 1986; and, I can easily be contacted through them if you ever knew that number. I realize texting is easier, and I'm just as guilty as the next party ... but when did personal contact become replaced by indirect random free-for-all contact visible to the masses?

Sure, I am on facebook -- but to be honest, I'm there for the scrabble! I don't sit and read people's updates. If I happen to catch them on the main page when I sign in, or see a picture, so be it. I don't use it to stalk everyone else and if someone gets upset cause I didn't feel like pulling a paparazzi move on them, they need to deflate their egos and come back down to earth! When did we all become so important that our status must be known to everyone we are (or aren't) friends with at all times? Has reality tv created an ego-monster in everyone that makes them feel as though they need a 'pump' every day? Or worse, with twitter - every few hours or minutes?

At some point -- just like myspace -- facebook and twitter will die out. For those reliant on this to keep in touch, will you remember how to write or call? Or will it simply be too late for people that have forgotten friendships that haven't been tended to?

This is just for fun:

Do you Revel in the Sour?

The rain. Sometimes it gives me the blues. When you first came here, I only loved the writer part of Paul Sheldon. Now I know I love the rest of him, too. I know you don't love me, don't say you do. You're beautiful, brilliant, a famous man of the world and I'm... not a movie star type. You'll never know the fear of losing someone like you if you're someone like me.

Annie, Stephen King's Misery

The old adage "misery loves company" seems to be at play more and more. Is it just that we are more aware or just less distracted? With more layoffs, less jobs, and more and more people searching for simpler forms of happiness it could just be that we are able to see things without materialistic glasses in the way. Or, do you just not want to be alone in your suffering?

Stanley Schachter, a Columbia University psychologist, conducted a famous experiment years ago with female college students: telling them they would be receiving electric shocks. Based on feedback from the students, the more anxious they were about the shocks, the more they told researchers they wanted to wait with other people for the experiment to start. More interesting, they did not want to wait with just anyone -- they wanted to be with people who faced the same fate.

“Misery doesn’t love just any kind of company,” Schachter said, “it loves only miserable company. Whatever the needs aroused by the manipulation of anxiety, it would seem that their satisfaction demands the presence of others in a similar situation.”

Which brings me to my next point: does misery truly love company, or does misery make company equally miserable? (And in the same respect, does the inverse apply?) How many times have you been having an awful day only to have a good friend turn it around? Or had a great day only to have that 'negative Nancy' bring down your mood?

There is no true answer to these questions since they are all of a personal nature. For me, I read more, watch less dramatic movies and more comedies, write more, and avoid situations that stress me out (when possible). Another big one is spending more face-time with my friends. I'll elaborate more on that soon ...

"Look at the baby."

There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey.
Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."
Vince Vaughn, Old School

I'm probably gonna go to hell for writing this blog, or at least friend hell. Though, lately - I feel like I'm already there (with some people, don't go hating on me if you fall into the married or w/child and/or pregnant categories!). I can't go anywhere without people asking me about marriage or babies or something along those lines. Or telling me about theirs. There are no other subjects or things that are interesting to anyone anymore. Well, apparently that gene skipped me. Attention all: I don't want any kids. There, it's been announced, stated, shared, blogged, etc.

I go to family reunions and am, ironically, banished to the 'kid' table. I am invited to weddings ... and all but ignored since I don't want to have one, so apparently - there is nothing for me to contribute. I try to get into all of it, but when there is nothing BUT it - what do you do?

I heard once "friendship is an involuntary reflex," so when did everything become so difficult? I have to chase some friends down, and no one wants to come to my house anymore -- it's always about me coming to them. Apparently the reflex is only if I make the effort?

I'm gonna chalk this one up to growing pains, or a shifting of priorities. By no means do I want to abandon my friends - I guess I'm just looking for someone to come to 'the dark side' where the childless and unmarried hang out. Ya know, where you used to?

create the illusion

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”
Orson Welles

L.I.G.H.T.

This year has been ... a journey. I'm filled with love, anxiety and interest as I write this entry. I wouldn't trade it for the world, nor would I want to relive it. It was equally as hard as it was rewarding - though I have found that many relationships I had this year again were tested.

Through one of the many articles, google searches and wiki-reads I peruse on a daily basis, I discovered an blurb refering to LIGHT: Listen-Intent-Giving-Honesty-Time. Such a simple thought and premise, but what a way to think of how you act, and how you should be treated! Here is the article - and I think it should be applied to romantic, professional, familial, and friendship relationships. More after ...

5 Simple Rules to Light Up Your Relationship

Relationships can stagnate for any number of reasons; however, one of the most common denominators seems to be losing touch with the people we love the most. We reach a certain level of comfort, and forget that all relationships need maintenance and care in order to last. The following behaviors can help you build and maintain lasting relationships.

1. Listen. Listening will make ANYONE feel important and valued. Listening will give them a sense of security and knowledge that they have someone when they need to be heard. The act of listening involves more than just hearing, however. You have to open your mind. If you have the attention or memory span of a flea, you will need to practice focusing. Make mental notes, and keep a notebook if you need to, writing down important items as they are revealed in conversation. Listening involves dropping everything else and putting him. Turn off the TV. Put down the book. Look at them they speak. Ask questions if you don’t understand. Give feedback with an honest and open mind. Listening is one of the most important aspects in any successful relationship. Try it!

2. Intent. Intention is a funny thing. Like dreams and wishes, intentions will not come true until you act. Therefore, it’s good practice to take stock of your intentions, and determine whether they line up with your actions, or just float out in the abyss. If you intend to do something, and you have voiced this intention, then by all means, make certain you follow through. If you have to, review your intentions daily and take an active role in carrying out your intentions. Living up to your intentions not only builds character, it also displays commitment to your relationship, as well as yourself.

3. Giving. Generosity doesn’t necessarily involve all things material. You can give many things that will not cost a cent. Giving puts into play your listening skills. When you listen, you will get endless clues as to things that give them joy, or make him feel loved. Cook their favorite meals. Tell him, out of the blue, something about him that makes you admire them. The tiniest acts can sometimes bring forth the best results! Giving of yourself demonstrates that you value your relationship enough to invest time and energy into bringing happiness, and building a stronger bond.

4. Honesty. Lying is for the weak. Lies are a destructive force that we hide behind when we are too afraid of living. Being honest means being honest with you, first and foremost. If you lie to yourself on a regular basis, then what incentive do you have to be honest with anyone else? Honesty, even about the smallest things, develops
trust. Honesty demonstrates commitment. Honesty involves carrying out your best intentions, and giving of yourself. You don’t have to tell lies in order to be loved. You don’t have to tell lies in order to make someone happy. If you want love, or to make someone FEEL loved - be honest. About everything.

5. Time. So often, in this frenetically-paced life, we forget to take time out for those we love. If you are constantly running from here to there, and seeing each other only in passing, then perhaps it’s time to hit the pause button. Take a few minutes during your work day to call and let him know their on your mind. Instead of running errands after work, go home and just spend some time hanging out together. Throw a few breaks in your routine once in a while, just to let them know you want to be in tune with them.

Building a solid relationship takes hard work, and solid commitment. Sometimes, it may seem that you’re doing all the work alone. However, in time, your actions will begin to produce changes, not only within the relationship, but also within yourself. Knowing how to be LIGHT is half the battle!

Obviously, a good bit of this article is focused on the romantic relationship - but I struggled mainly with friendships this year -- and it was quite the wake-up call. I find this advice helpful because I notice that the lack of intent, giving and time on their part made me wonder - do they just not need/want me as a friend anymore? Some have disappeared completely, despite nudging with emails, voicemails and texts. Some have disappeared into relationships, new jobs, homes, or just their own lives. Some just don't seem to mind the loss. Whatever the case, I find that it's harder and harder to keep being the person pursuing friends that don't seem to want me. Would you keep knocking on a wall hoping one day it would turn into a door? At some point, I have to walk away before I start hating myself for being pathetic ... or them for walking away without even an explanation.

This sounds like a sad entry, but really I've thought about this quite a lot and it's quite freeing to stop knocking and just live my own life. I'm a great friend, and I try very hard to be there for the people in my life; only, not at their beck and call, not without give and take. I'm tired of the conversations with the, (to quote a poignant book/film, Fight Club) "People just waiting for their turn to speak." I want to listen AND be heard. I want to give AND get --- and maybe most importantly - I'd like a little face-time with the people that claim to be my friends. Even if it were over the phone, at least it's something.

To those this doesn't apply to - cheers! I feel about 110% better getting this off my chest.

Fear of failure and fear of the unknown
are always defeated by faith. Having
faith in yourself, in the process of change,
and in the new direction that
change sets will reveal your own inner core.

The more real you get ...

... the more unreal it gets. There are so few people in this world that are who they say they are. For years, I allowed someone in, very close, only to find they were a proverbial 'wolf in sheep's clothing'. Now, having lived those those lessons out, I can easily see another person that is (unfortunately) folded up into my current life in an unavoidable way.

What makes it so appealing to people to look their noses down at another? Why is it so easy for them to make snap judgements about my life, my decisions and my path? I have been accused of being everything from an uptight bitch to a hippy --- so really, the only thing I can do is laugh in the faces of those that think they 'know' me. I try to live with integrity, by a moral code, and as a genuinely good person. Often, it gets me nowhere ... and that's ok. I don't do it for anyone but me. I do get frustrated from time to time, when I come in contact yet again with the disingenuous likes of others.

For an outgoing person, I'm almost ridiculously private. Sure, there are things I'd share with anyone ... while things that others would share over the water cooler wouldn't dare part from my lips on such a casual basis. I know the origins of my private nature, and to stick with it - I'll refrain from elaborating. Those who know, understand. Those who don't, may not. The reasons I continue to keep me-to-me ties back to the former wolves, or sheep (depending on when you see them).

Being burned hasn't made me bitter, but it has made me wiser ... and more patient. Wiser and more patient to the negatives in the world around me. A few acquaintances have floated in and out of my life recently, which in some ways made me sad --- but also made me realize how much I love the truly awesome people in my life. Since ridding my life of the 'wolf' a few years back, my life has been unequivocally better. I highly recommend taking stock in the positives and negatives in your life --- the people you surround yourself with are an important factor in making yourself a better person. As for the one that isn't leaving, I know how to better deal with it.